-    You are a bad girl. –He said.

With tears in his eyes, he was talking to me.  I wanted to do something, to fix what he was feeling, but I was confused.  What to do?.  He looked so hurt.

-    I didn’t wanted to hurt you. – I finally said.
-    But, you did. – He added.

I did.  I must to accept that.  Even, I probably didn’t do it with the intention of hurt him, I just did. 

Everything started without a plan.  I’m older than him, we used to share a lot of time together.  I know he started to fall in love with me.  I could guess that in his smile, in his glossy and sweet pair of eyes.  I loved him too, but just like a friend, a very special one.  I will not say that he wasn’t important to me, because he gain a big part of my heart since the very first time that we met.   But, I had my life, and he had his.  Both very agitated styles of living.

So, I never repress my self around him.  Every time we could spend together, was amazing.  We used to be playful and funny.  I knew he wanted something more deep from me, but I just never gave him hope.  I felt comfortable being his friend.  I know I could say that straight from the beginning, but I didn’t.  I guess I feed his dreams about me.  When, we had years of being like this, he started to want me to kiss him.  And I did.  Why I would deny him a kiss? I thought it was right, to kiss him.  I wasn’t lying. I loved him.  I thought, a kiss is just a kiss!.  But, he thought, by kissing him, that I was his girlfriend.  I never put that in clear.  Anyway, it was a pleasure to kiss him.  His tender lips, his beautiful shape, his tenderness.  How to say no to that?

I wanted another type of man for me.  I’m a big girl, very confident of myself.  I wasn’t secure that Michael would be enough big for me.  He is younger.  I always thought he eventually would tell me that he meets a pretty young girl of his age, and that his childish romantic fantasy with me, would be over.  And I thought that could be normal.  Actually I was expecting that.  I guess, I never took his feelings for me in a way too serious.

So, because we didn’t have a special commitment, I had my affairs with other guys, searching for the right one, for me.  I didn’t tell him.  I thought I didn’t have to.  But in the meanwhile, he thought I was his girl.  And he didn’t play around with other girls.  He really was saving his self for me.

But, because everything must be faced in some moment, he heard some rumors about me.  And then he confirms those. He saw pictures of me and my friends, laughing at a party of this rich man, I was dating back then.  He also saw me with him on those photos.  I think that thing broke his heart.

- You laugh about me.- He said by the phone, with a lot of pain in his voice. – But, you will not laugh of me anymore.- And he hung up the phone.

I stupidly thought that without putting things on words they didn’t existed.  But, in my heart I knew about his feelings all this time.   I felt terrible.  I felt the need of contact him. I wanted to explain to him, why I did what I did.  I felt so sorry.  I really loved him.  I knew that I just did everything wrong. 

All this experience made me confront my insecurities.  I thought I was big, at least bigger than him.   But I just handled the situation like a child.  I should be honest from the beginning.  If I wasn’t sure of give my self to him, I should kept my self away of him.  But I touched him.  Apparently, I just play with him, but  for me it wasn’t wrong cause I felt a tender feeling for him.  I guess, I also felt compassion, cause I knew he really wanted me.  But, nothing of that, justify what I did. 

You know that well known feeling of start to value something when you already lost it?.  I guess I didn’t appreciate what I used to have like I should.  His precious love, was always there for me, and now… what if he hates me?.  What if he can’t forgive me?.  I want him back, as I use to have him.  But, I wasn’t sure he would trust me again.

It was hard to contact him.  He tried to stay unreachable.  But, finally I could.  I told him I wanted to explain all what I have thought all these days, since he hung up the phone to me.  He gave me the opportunity of have an encounter with him at his home.  I went.  It was night time.  He was alone, waiting for me, close to his fireplace.  The situation wasn’t comfortable.  A lot of silence.  I could breath his pain all over the place.  His eyes confirmed what I was feeling.

-    You are a bad girl. –He said.

With tears in his eyes, he was talking to me.  I wanted to do something, to fix what he was feeling, but I was confused.  What to do?.  He looked so hurt.

-    I didn’t wanted to hurt you. – I finally said.
-    But, you did. – He added.

I told him my version of the story, and most of all, I told him I was sorry… that I would do anything to repair the damage  that I know I caused him.  I told him, I love him, and that I really needed his forgiveness.  I ended crying, seated on the floor at the end of my speech.

-    Do you really want to fix this?.- He asked me with a broken voice.
-    I do!, with all my heart.- I answered.
-    Now, you are saying that you love me.  But how can I be sure of that?
-    I’ll do anything, to prove my love for you. – I said, looking straight at his eyes.

He stands up, and started to walk around the room, avoiding to look at me.  Suddenly he started to talk:

“You are my first love.  The first person I trusted my heart in this world.  You probably are not guilty of this.  I just fall in love with you alone.  I didn’t needed your permission.  But, how could I avoid to dream of you?  To not wish, you could love me like this too?.  You are perfect to me.  I like every detail of you.  I could spend all this night talking about the things I have seen in you, and that I have treasure in my heart as precious memories.  I gave my self to you.  In every kiss, my entire soul was there for you.  How do you think it feels to know you didn’t reply my kisses with the same passion?.  How do you think it feels to see you playing with my feelings on those pictures?.  All I ever wanted was to be loved by you, as I do love you.”

-    But I do! – I just screamed crying.
-    Your words are empty now.  You must show me that you love me.  You must give it into me.  I must feel it.  You must satisfy my expectations.- He said that with anger and loud.  Now he was looking at me.

I soaked my tears and I replied to him:

-    I’ll do my best.  But, are you still interested in me after all what I did?

He seated by my side, and said:

-    I can’t not love you.  I’m hurt, but what I feel for you, will always stay in me.  Now, please…

I kissed him.  We both had our faces wet in tears.   I kissed his eyes, whispering “forgive me, baby please”.  I returned to his sweet mouth.  He was hunger of my kisses.  We kissed a long time on the floor, till I started to touch his chest, his back and waist.  He knew his clothes started to bother, so he just took off his shirt.

-    Feel me.- He said.

I passed my hands slowly by his naked chest.  I stared him, while he was over me and his long curls almost touches my face.  I touched his face.  And I said to him.

-    I love you.
-    Shhhhh.- he silence me, covering my lips with his hand.  – Just show how deep love can be.  Make love to me.

I moved my self to be over him.  The fireplace was the only source of light in the room.  The orange glow of the fire totally covered his pale skin.  I started to undress him, tenderly.  Giving him little kisses, while I breath his skin.  His body was warm and beautiful.  I felt so thankful.  I took off my clothes too.  He couldn’t help to hold my naked breast with his hands.  He stared my naked body as something new and amazing, like a child watch his Christmas presents for the first time.  I don’t really know how could I spend all these years avoiding this experience.  I was so stupid.  I started to ride him, begging inside, that he could really forgive me.  His sex made me forget about my guilt for awhile.  I felt a queen, I felt so blessed.  He transport me to a world of pure pleasure.  I shouted my feelings at loud… I released a lot of noises, that I couldn’t hold anymore in me.   


I grabbed his body, and I pull it against mine.  I tried to place myself under him this time.  I wanted to keep him hugged, while he entered on me, so I could pull him tighter and tighter against me.  We were sweating.  The fragrance of his hair had me drunk.  I felt my orgasm while he was dancing over me.  I shouted my eyes, and I whisper to him, close to his ear…

-    I hope you can believe me.   I haven’t love anybody Iike I love you.

I stared at his eyes.  He was crying.  Then I said to him:

-    Oh, I’m so sorry, please… I don’t want to see you crying.  I can’t forgive myself.

He stopped to move over me, and then he smiled at me.  He kissed the tip of my nose and said:

-    These are tears of joy!.  You don’t know how many time I have waited for this moment.  To feel you like this.  To hear you shouting your love for me.  To be inside of you.   I guess, you made my dream come true.